Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
