I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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