Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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