That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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