And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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