i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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