I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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