next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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