The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
