the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize