i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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