I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i now understand why vodka
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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