The maid of honor just puked.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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