I wish my penis had an off switch
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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