Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
