Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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