God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
