i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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