I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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