ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
