remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How's work?
Spinning.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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