i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i love accidental penises.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
