well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
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I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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