we need to drink 2009 down the drain
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
