Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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