the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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