i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
