sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
