shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
