Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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