Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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