I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
