Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
