Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
