I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
