I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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