i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
