I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
