I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
