My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
