Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
