I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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