This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
