i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
