Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
