im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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