I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
