I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
pray to the hookup gods
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
