When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
