Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
