She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
