dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
This house was built for laser tag.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
