i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize