i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
