last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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