The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
